:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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