My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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