The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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