Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
