You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
