y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
