Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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