Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
