3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
