I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
