Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
