I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize