bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He better not be in your backpack
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
