haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize