Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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