So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
