My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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