I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
