Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
