I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
