either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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