But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You've changed since you got that strap on
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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