Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize