There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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