I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
