i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
