I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my sisters under your porch take her home
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
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