You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize