the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
How's work?
Spinning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
