I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize