She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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