This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
