I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
