i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
