yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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