she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
