I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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