Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
