got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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