ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
