I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
