He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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