oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
