then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
