just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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