So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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