so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
