I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
