This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
