I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
