made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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