dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize