I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
