My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Drunk is not a location!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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