u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
