I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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