Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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